Happy 3rd Birthday Planet Beth!

Today my blog is 3! This time 3 years ago I was bored with revising for 1st year exams and so I started this nonsense in a moment of procrastination. Hopefully you've enjoyed it thus far, I intend to keep going with it :)
I definitely didn't expect to have started a second blog, which again I intend to keep going for your enjoyment. Because that's the sort of lovely person I am.

Anyway:

FREEDOM!

FREIHEIT!

LIBERTÉ!

I Never have to write another academic exam - EVER AGAIN! My Joy is unbridled.

PUBBAGE! LATE NIGHTS! Obscenely late lie-ins! Baking! Parties and book reading! Writing CV's and Job applications!

...Wait no! Not the last one. No Jobs! I don't want one of those! I wish to be a lady of leisure, a professional shopping , book reading, late sleeping, individual of means for a while longer. Along while longer.

Well, sort of. It does kinda get boring after a week when no-one else is avaliable to socialise. That and I'm rather good at this whole work notion, even if sometimes I hate it to the point it makes me simultaneously both homicidal and suicidal - Go on put that radio on again - I dare you. I dare you...

Lets just say I strongly disliked Warehousing.

 But if anyone has need of a lanky multilingual 22yr old; I'm available for hire. Please somebody give me a job? Please? 

In the meantime I'm enjoying doing things like reading and writing and staring at my guitar. Which I'd love to be able to play properly but can't and really want to so if anyone wants to have a laugh at me and attempt to teach me That'd be great :) I would reward you with Cake. Lots of Cake.

2nd Order of Business. I went "out" out on Friday, for the first time in forever and had a really awesome time.It just proves that going out is all about who you go with and not where you go. Also the fact that the music was pure cheese really helped, there was a lot of this sort of dancing:

Kit and Hannah modelling some serious moves there. :P

I did have a full drafted out blog to post but it was sort of time limited and errr... I wasn't very proactive in posting because I was too busy having fun. 

Talking of fun, I've had immense fun on here for the last 3 years and I hope you don't mind ramblings too much because I'm going to keep doing it. Along with my other little writing projects which might if a) you're very good and b) I feel its good enough, will make an appearance on here :)

I'm kind of giddy and full of German food at the moment so I may be getting repetitive so I'm going to toddle off and do the washing up that making excellent noms inccurs....

Bethx 

It's been awhile...`

In many ways.

I've been kinda busy.

But also this blog is nearly 3 years old. I started it whilst busy procrastinating during my 1st Year exam period. Oh how much has changed! So much has happened.
At the same time very little has changed.
I'm still studying the evolution of English, or I was. That exam was eeeeevil. He wanted an essay on a question that could be effectively answered in depth in a single paragraph.  Language exams are still hell. Though I'd give my left foot to be doing the 1st year exams instead of the final year ones, which went to hell in a handcart with my degree.
I waved it goodbye as I had a panic attack. >.<
But come Thursday at 3:10PM it's all over.
4 years of Lancaster done and dusted. Bish, bash, and bosh.

It doesn't feel very real. In fact the unreality is somewhat overwhelming. I can honestly say that I'm both so very ready for it, and busily legging it towards the nearest TARDIS at the same time.
If I never have to write an essay again it'll be too soon, the particular peculiar stress of total irregularity and structureless time can happily fall off a cliff into the abyss. But at the same time I'll miss the freedom, the social life and lying in 'til midday being a socially acceptable thing. (Oh my love of lie-ins and Naps - possibly more legendary than Romeo's lust for Juliet.) Having to get a job... a prospect that fills me with the same sort of excitement as 3 hour German language exams... (has anyone got a spare cliff I can jump off?)... looms large above me and apparently there's no such thing as a professional book reader.

When I started this blog 3 years ago I honestly had no idea I'd still be at it in 4th year. I expected I'd be bored of it by the end of the summer. And though I sometimes forget, I still enjoy it, and even though the quality is somewhat variable I hope you still enjoy my ramblings, disjointed as they often are. Very little planning goes into their execution, as is often evident. But I guess practise makes perfect and if I put a little more effort into actually blogging more often it'd improve.
Being honest is key I guess. Obviously there's a line between private and public and you've got to be careful with the whole over sharing thing, which is another reason for my lack of regular blogs. I get worried you'd get super bored with the mundanity of my very boring, very average life. Because despite doing the odd really cool thing, that's what it is.
Despite that fact,every life is unique. In between the being born, the paying taxes and dying bits, which are fairly universal. In the past 3 years I've been on this crazy roller-coaster of a learning curve which sometimes thought it was a hyperblaster type ride, ( i.e. "lets fling you up into amazing highs before plunging you into oblivion"), and along the way I've made friends from all corners of the world and learned so much. Very little of it academic.

The thing I'll miss most will be seeing the AMAZING people I've befriended here. This year has been very hard in that some of those people graduated last year and weren't here being awesome; looking at you Hannah and Amy! But despite that I've battled on through strengthening other friendships and forging new ones. I'm not gonna get too mushy now, because I'm tired and it would be embarrassing for all parties. So I shall save it.
For when typing makes me cry.

But yeah, the next 4 weeks are super full of awesome happenings so I shall be blogging about them lots. AAAAAND Beth and Brown shall return. I have read so many books recently but not had time to talk about them so I will aim for a blog a day on there. If you have no idea what I'm talking about click HERE and inform yourself.

So until I post from freedom!
Much Love!

Bethx

In Memoriam

Once upon what feels like far too long ago, there was a bunch of seriously awesome misfits who hung out together everyday, looked out for one another, and even when they didn't always get along, they, like siblings, stuck up ferociously for one another should some one dare to judge or insult one of their own.

It was called The Cube.

There strong bonds were forged. Those bonds remain.

Yesterday we lost a friend far too young.

A talented, creative individual, whose wicked sense of humour made everyone laugh. A girl full of life, kindness and loyalty.

The shock will wear off, the grief become bearable, but the memories will never fade.

At this time my thoughts go out to her family and my love to all those closest to her.

India,

You will be missed.

How to tell that you are a victim of final year.

1. You have not left the house other than to go to the corner shop in several days. 

2. When you do try to leave the house your keys have gone into hibernation. 

3. Your house has been procrasticleaned to within an inch of its life except essay corner. 

4. You have an essay corner

5. You've been sat at a computer so long that having to form actual sentences has become a chore. 

6. Your best friend can't stand your ear worm any longer 

7. Your best friend is running round randomly shouting the name they just made up for your idiolect. "Bethanese!!!"

8. You've run out of biscuits. The world has come to an end. 

9. You still have no idea what you're actually talking about in this essay; despite having more research than someone trying to cure cancer and about 1000 words on it. 

10. You still have 2 more essays to write. 

11. Going to town is a major event. 

12. Your bedroom looks like a bomb exploded in your wardrobe. 

13. There is too much blood in your coffee stream. 

14. Your readings are so confusing/boring you frequently fall asleep on them. 

15. You are procrastiblogging. 

16. Your social life mainly consists of having other people in the room whilst you stare blankly/beaver away at your essay.

17. You are married to the library. It is a tempestuous relationship. 

18. Even your leisure reading has been consumed by your degree.

19. You're so busy academically you've forgotten to apply for any jobs

20. You dream in your subject(s), because dreaming about teaching the IPA* in German to French toddlers whilst chasing a big bird round the library is perfectly normal. 

*International Phonetic Alphabet

An ode to an old musical friend:

You may know I love books, if you've read this blog from the beginning you may know I love music. My iPod is my constant companion, I have a beautiful pair of Sennheisers with incredible sound quality.

What you may not know is who my favourite band are. 

You may well be wondering what prompted what I can safely say is about to be a gushing song of love.

Paramore is that what. 

Regardless of the bands various dramas, or your opinions of its front woman, the music they put out never ceases to capture my imagination and cause some serious rocking out. It started just over 6 years ago and as you can see I have gathered their entire back catalogue (plus the digital stuff). But why blog about this now?

Well, after spending a 12 hour day in the hallowed stacks of learning that is the Lancaster University Library* listening to albums on YouTube and sporadically doing work, Hannah and I ended up in our local CD and DVD emporium this morning. 

I had a list of things I wanted. What I didn't expect to find was this:

(Apologies for terrible photo skills). This is Paramore. At their Finest. Live and touring their Riot! album. Which for reasons I still don't fully understand is my favourite album ever. EVER. 

I still don't know how I had managed not to get my mitts on their only live album and DVD, but it seemed ridiculous and so it kinda marched itself to the till and jumped into my bag more decidedly than a £2 full sized tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.

I don't know what I was expecting of it really, I've seen these guys live, THEY ARE EPIC. It seems to be a thing that short people, who just to spite their diminutive stature have a HUGE presence. Hayley Williams is one such short person, and that physical presence translates to audio. Somehow I had forgotten just HOW GOOD they are live. I clearly need to see them again.

Riot, even 2 albums and 1 EP later still remains their best work, it is full of attitude and stands apart lyrically - probably because its the one album the band has put out that doesn't feature Williams bitching about one or other of her band mates; former or current.

I was introduced to Paramore in early 2008, so I can say with no small amount of relief say, I knew them BEFORE Decode. 

Had I not already fallen head over heels for this band, their involvement with "those" films would probably put me off in the long term. 

Aaaaanyway,my 16 year old self picked up Riot!,(incidentally the last album I ever bought in a branch of Woolworths), took it home and loaded it in to her still relatively new 1st iPod and was blown away. This was exactly what I had been looking for musically, punk rock, sung not snarled, by a girl with an epic voice, that had attitude to spare. I subjected my entire family to it. In what counts for high praise, my father quite likes it and isn't bothered when we attack the car stereo with it. Mum on the other hand...

Today's acquisition, I haven't been to bed yet so it's still Tuesday by my reckoning, plays with what I believe the musical folks call the "arrangement" of some of the various songs. And somehow makes it better, something I previously believed impossible. (Urgh the cliché- look everyone gets slight tunnel vision about their favourite band) The intro to my favourite song Crushcrushcrush is slightly different and more low key before launching full pelt into the chorus. The song resonated on a very personal level back in'08 and has remained awesome and very personal; the song Hallelujah gets mashed up with a beautiful intro cover of Leonard Cohen's song of the same name, that worked so perfectly in juxtaposition I made silly noises of glee. 

It is perhaps obvious by their genre but, Paramore are not a band that produce Beyoncé levels of live gloss, you wouldn't want them to. The raw energy, passion and crazy fun is far more exciting and warming than any piece of high theatre that most pop acts pour so much attention into on their tours these days, live spectacle is one thing but you see some one live for the music, the music and the artists enthusiasm for it should be the spectacle, rather than 50 undoubtedly talented, but ultimately pointless back-up dancing monkeys dancers. Though actual dancing monkeys would be pretty cool.

I am not immune to the changes in the band, the recent upheaval made me worry about whether the band would continue to put out material I actually liked, and if I'm brutally honest I was deeply uncertain of 2013's self titled album when I first put it in my CD player (I have a thing about physical copies of things and CD players) I felt disappointed. 

Change is not really my thing, yet as I listened to it again the next couple of times it began to grow on me and now there are several tracks I really love, but unlike its predecessors it isn't one I will play from beginning to end without skipping. Sonically its much more upbeat. Lyrically its much the same. But the changes in the band were to the composition side so it is then somewhat unsurprising. Williams' constant presence means that the lyrics aren't going to change that much. Her signature style will remain stamped all over the band's output; and that's not a bad thing.

Riot! however remains awesome. I will never not love it. It will be the album my children get sick of in the car, and I shall not be sorry.

For now however I must return to the "Misery Business" of essay writing. (oh the puns!!!)

At least I have an awesome soundtrack.

Much Love,

Bethx

*If you can't smell the sarcasm here you've probably got a cold, the stacks of Lancaster's Library are well known to be home to actual birds, who have taken flaky old unread journals to make their nests in its various unused dusty forgotten aisles. There is something quite disconcerting about writing an essay to the strains of Bird song in the library.

Silbilance: Spring,Sugar and Sun

Today is a day for listening to Michael Bublé songs, sitting outside and eating ice cream.

My friends, spring has sprung. Roughly 3 weeks earlier than last ear when the world's was still blanket in icy, wet, snow.

Of the list I gave in the opening sentence only one of those activities is of great importance to me. And it is that activity I am prevented from doing. Because I my friends have cut out sugar.

I hate myself, life, the universe, and everything. Unfortunately my aversion to healthy food had to be cured and drastic measures were necessary. I am allowed one sweet treat a week. 1. Because the cake man (@cottage_cakes) is a wonderous miracle to which my time enjoying is now limited and 2. Chloe fears I would become both depressed and homicidal see were I to not have some form of sugar fix. For the duration of lent I am sugar free. This will be a very long 4 weeks, that will hopefully see an improvement in my health in general, perhaps I will begin to eat fruit because I like it, and not because every so often I feel I ought.

Now as the queue for wallings' ice creams lengthens and the students seat themselves upon the steps I shall eat my piffling salad and cry dejectedly as the boy opposite continues to consume his iced bun.
The sun is shining at least.

Beth xxx

Good Grief! A Blog!

Ouch. My head hurts. I have a migraine which will not go away. Its beginning to get tiresome.
Particularly when ones day is as mad as today: Exam and FINALLY placement. Which couldn't be further away if it tried. I understand that there must be schools in all corners of a town but mine is practically in Yorkshire. Or it feels like it as I walk there. Uphill, all the way. Turns out I didn't need that gym membership...
Other than this however I haven't really done much of note other than fit for my right to a treadmill in the gym. HALF AN HOUR ONLY WHEN ITS BUSY MR I SHALL RUN FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF! *noises of rage* spent more time waiting than I did actually working out. grrrrr I mean I pay enough you'd think the gym was twice the size it is. Grrrrrr hopefully tomorrow myself and The Brown will be heading to Pilates together. As apparently i need to do stuff like that, as it will calm my mind and give me balance and... lots of other stuff... I refuse to do Yoga for precisely that reason. They spout endless gubbins that would make me either, irritated, angry or bored. Or all three.

Shall we talk about the weather? Let us discuss the wind. That prevented me from acquiring chocolate, when there were 3 hormonal, grumpy added women in my living room.  I'm sat here now in county listening to the wind moaning around the building listening to Kit telling us facts like sloths only poop once a week and I'm really rather content to be just hanging out with cool people. In away I haven't felt since 2nd year so I'm happy. :)

Just don't ask about my plans for the future. Then I will turn in a puddle of argh..
Shall I teach, should I publish, should I hide under the stairs?
Help!
Bethx

Creativity and such like

I love writing. The furious, fluid process of scratching ink on to paper, racing to keep up with your thought stream, organic physical connection between thought and thinker, write and reader, a purpose an irregular beauty of raw unfiltered opinion and emotion. Writing is my catharsis and therapy. When safely anonymised you can pour out your soul to the page, a page that will not judge, comment, or tease, it will just, like a mirror, reflect your demons, give them corporeal form and the means to obliterate them. Slash them, tear them up, burn it in a cleansing fire, drown it in consuming waters or simply just lock it in a prison of your choice between the covers of a journal.
Empty your head on to the page, purge the clogged thought ways and just like a defragged computer, or freshly emptied vacuum the brain functions at full capacity once more. Yes it's temporary but tell me, is your method any longer lasting?
It's not not about eloquence, style, or even good grammar, its the freedom of your own expression and creativity.
And that's why I always carry a notebook and a fountain pen.
Just in case.  You never know when inspiration might strike and your magnum opus begin to take form. In the meantime I shall continue honing my skill. Even if I should be analysing vowel formants...

And that's why I like books. Books are the embodiment of those rudimental scratchings that our brain decodes into sense. I am in awe of those who can weave a world out of pure imagination, who are brave enough to share the world inside their head with others, who open the doors and say "come meet my friends" who aren't afraid to talk back to the voices in their heads, who can plan a story from beginning to end, that isn't tired cliché, outright terrible or just plain indulgent and that have the patience and dedication to write to the end instead of having thousands of beginnings and no ends. just such as I do.

And until I have my own end. I don't think I'll write one.

Beth xx

New Blog!

Hi Blog fans!
As I realise this is a form of therapy I should indulge in more often I hereby declare I'll try and keep you more up to date with the ins and outs of being a student. But the big news it this: Hannah Brown and I have started another blog! It's called Beth & Brown's Beautiful bookshelf and we're going to be doing all our favourite book stuff on there :) We may branch out into films too, though books are mainly what's on the shelf for now :) I'll post more about it when it's up and running :)

In other news I've found my beloved watch which the resident house gremlins stole, had a career rethink a nice nasty shock and discovered that occasionally my iPod will play angry music when I need it to xD

TTFN
 Beth xx

Adieu 2013.

Wow. December 31st 2013. The past year (and 3months) has been a little mental!
I taught in Germany and survived despite Mark's best efforts!
I learned to drive - now if could just afford my tests! Returned to beloved Lancaster remembered how much I hated DELC and hid under my duvet.
I met some amazing people!
Went to awesome places with them!
Berlin with Lydia!
Rome with Dan
Switzerland with the usual suspect.
Prague, Austria, Venice, Verona, and France by my slightly terrified adventurous self - Not sure I'd do it again!
It all seems so strange and long ago now, but for now the craziest year of my life so far comes to a close and opens a year of change.
If I'm being honest I've had quite enough of Change already, unfortunately life gets boring without it and despite its more uncomfortable aspects I suppose we have to keep moving forward. So the next year is an adventure, probably a whole lot more mundane than this, but hopefully just as exciting, probably not less stressful, and hopefully full of good things.
Whatever happens God has it under control and loves us no matter what.
I hope you have wonderful new year, I shall try and blog more.... don't hold your breath though.
Happy New Year!
Bonnie Année et meilleurs voeux!
Guten Rutsch in dem neuen Jahr!
All my love,
Beth xxx

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Things I needed to say.

I haven't posted in a long while and I'm not sorry. I haven't wanted to and if I force it, it doesn't work out the way it should.

I'm ill. It happens occasionally. I want to set the record straight. Bust some myths that I've had thrown at me over the years. Stuff that has destroyed relationships and caused unbelievable amounts of hurt. And explain my long abscences.

I have struggled with depression for as about as long as I can remember now. Even in primary school.
My inablity to cope with what I've been feeling or the internal confusion has caused my to lash out. Particularly when I was younger.

Many people are surprised when I tell them about the things I struggle with because I'm a loud vibrant person most of the time. Most people with depression don't exactly advertise how they're feeling. Because people don't understand.

And they say stupid things.

One of the most hurtful, unfounded things that is said regularly is, "Its attention seeking and its childish" One person even went so far to say at my lowest point aged 16 that I was" too young to be depressed."
(That person destroyed not only many of my relationships, but also a 25 year standing friendship of their own.)
Nonsense. Depression can strike at any age. The younger the individual the less likely they are to be able to handle it in a "socially acceptable" manner, for the most part they don't even understand what on earth is going on, why they feel so bad. Many people have written about this but considering that most who read this blog are in some way acquainted with me I wanted to give a personal account.
So many young adults and teenagers struggle with mental illnesses. But so many of their friends don't know how to react. Its not only the stigma we need to address but how friends and family support and care for people suffering. As I've grown older the support from my friends has been amazing and some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me - they know who they are and I love you. Thank you.. But there have been those who in their lack of understanding did all the wrong things.
I've forgiven them. And I explained and tried to mend any hurts I'd unwittingly inflicted.
Some of them apologised. Some of them, well I'm still waiting.
Depression can be triggered by so many things. Different people, react differently.
I'm no expert in these things, I have only my own experience of the dark shadow. My black cotton wool.
But there is a time to hug and a time to comfort and tip toe around and there's a time to get tough. Getting tough may not be your job, it may be someone else's. Your job is to support that person in whatever way is best. Pulling away and just dropping them is NOT that way. If you need the space to protect yourself, fine, reducing contact is different. Giving yourself space is in someways very natural, but someone who is suffering with depression will in all likelihood not be viewing social interaction in the same way as you, and most likely not in the way they would when they're 100%.

Depression makes you feel Isolated, alone, misunderstood and knocks out a chunk of self esteem and self worth so large that quite frankly, you don't even feel like a person anymore. A feeling, that if sustained for long enough, may, and can have disastrous consequences.

As I've said, I'm no psychologist, I don't know how it manifests in every different person. I can only tell you how I work. And I'm affected by things like ADHD and my Faith, not everyone has these aspects in their lives.

So that's that.

I'm Ill. It happens. And I have some incredible people who support me. Like my mum. We don't always get on. She does a lot of nagging and I infuriate her. But I love her lots. She's always there when I fall apart.
Thank you mum.

Beth xxx

One month

Wow. So here it is. The end. And weirdly it's just as I'm getting settled. Grrrr, typical. It takes me to fully relax anywhere. So here I am sat on a train to hang out with Jo and Sam and possibly Mark if he gets his hungover backside out of bed this side of the end of the world.
Do not get me wrong I am very excited to be Lancaster bound again and to see all the awesome people, annoy my mother,( wait I can do that here), learn to drive! Go on camp, go shopping because weddings galore, and earn some money so one can afford to do all this stuff!!
Reflecting on this year I've seen so much , done so much, learnt a ton, made mistakes and grown up and matured.
And as for Tübingen I think I'll miss it. I'll definitely miss weekly coffee and cake with Mark - boy can this country do cake. In that respect this year has been like rewinding the clock four years and behaving like 17 yr. old oiks again.
All the same I'm going to miss this beautiful corner of Germany and the friends I've made here.
Bis Später
Bethxxx

Sorting out the mess

So, I've been all out of sorts lately. And its kinda my fault - I haven't been looking after myself the way I should have been.

So I've decided somethings. I have 6 weeks left here and for those next six weeks I'm going to start as I mean to go on.

I'm gonna eat eat a piece of fruit a day - those that know me will know just how difficult that is going to be. Fruit is evil.

I shall not avoid vegetables.

I shall eat 3 square meals a day rather than maybe having one.

I shall run twice a week. Whether I want to or not.

I shall learn the importance of sleeping sensibly. If that means going to bed at old biddy o'clock then so be it. Sleeping through my alarm clock is not good.

I shall hydrate myself properly.

If I can do these small things then maybe we can do the big things like essays, and getting up on time.

Beth Does Some Travelling. Part 1.

OK, so what follows is sort of like my travel diary that I wrote on the road. I have tried to make it make as much sense as possible but I rarely make sense anyway! I would apologise for my tardiness but my unabashed faulheit refuses to let me do so. This is Part 1. Part 2 will follow later.

Entry 1: 23/3/13

Praha to give it it's proper title is an incredible city. The Bohemian Architecture is breath taking, shame then, that like most things these days some brats, dragged up rather than raised, have "tagged",(read pathetically daubed in spray paint) everywhere they can.  My own pet hates aside, the castle complex was stunning a blend of eras and over 2 Km long it pretty much killed my feet! In one of the older parts of the Castle I slyly attached myself to a German Tour Group, in which I learned about the 3 Prague Defenestrations. Defenestration, as my mother learnt yesterday is my favourite word and frequently leads to giggling with glee. The German word for defenestration is very boring and German. Also what kind of a country thinks "hmm we're fed up let's chuck these people out of a window!"?  After that I decided it was time to find some food, but not until I had napped and an arguement with a computer. I eventually went to this little restauranty place around the corner from my hostel which was recommended as the girl on the desk as being the place she went for dinner with friends. It was great genuine Czech cooking and I was surrounded by Czechs all of whom were surprised when I couldn't understand a word they were saying because apparently only Czechs go there! Awesome! I doubted this somewhat however by the fact they had a pile of English language menus... hmmmm

Moi in St. Wenceslas Sq.

The most exciting thing about Prague for myself however was the presence of those most British of Supermarkets Tesco and Marks and Sparks. Ginger Nuts I have missed your biscuity goodness, I blame your lack of presence for my lack of essays!
 I am of course kidding but I did get far too over excited.

Prasky Hrad, Prague Castle. Its ginormous.

Mark must have been using all the common sense lately because I fouled up and missed my train this morning by mixing up my departure and arrival times. Ahh well you need a relaxing morning occasionally!

Urgh Austrains! Stop slurring! Incomprehensible few days ahead! right well I'm off because my tablet is dying and being a great big behind and putting 'A's every where.

Ciao for now!

Bethx

Entry 2: 25/3/13

Vienna and Salzburg.

Cold, snowy and very snowy. The adventures of Beth continue to be excessively cold, I have never been more fed up of snow, if I see any more of it I will start to cry. Man it stinks on the this train. Vienna was gorgeous and I must get round to sending my postcards. I decided to spend as much of the day inside as I could in order not to freeze to death. A likely prospect in the minus 8 temperatures. So I visited the Hapsburg Imperial palaces. 

Schonbrünn Schloss

My somewhat wonky panorama shot of the Vienna Hofburg !

Unfortunately the only place one was allowed to take pictures was in the bit I would have walked straight through had it not been so cold out. Sorry but plates don't interest me. I eat off them, the fact that one family has 11 dinner services seems utterly preposterous. I know mum has a couple but that's more mish mash, bish bash smash, than she enjoys collecting plates.

I did spend some time meandering around the city centre but mainly in the hunt for my next restorative caffeine shot. It was during this vaguely pointed meandering that I suddenly realised the similarities between the Vienna Rathaus and that of Munich... Munich's however is much more ornate.

 Suspiciously Similar - Vienna Rathaus. 

Today I had a short stop in Salzburg, it was meant to be a longer stop however my nighttrain turned out not to be direct and so I only got 3 hours in the city for most of which I was gravely lost, I did eventually find the tourist info office and a map but I didn't get chance to do much more than wander around because of time restraints and desperately trying to find a place to stay that night whilst battling McDonald's rubbish Wi-Fi! The city itself is something of a city of contrasts, the beautiful old town city centre with the Salzburger Schloß towering over it, whilst the new town is not so nice. It brought to mind Soviet oppression meaning it was likely all done in the sixties.

 Salzburger Schloss

I have noticed that this diary has a somewhat architectural theme so far, probably because I haven't been eating extravagantly. Other than my encounter with Czech food in Prague.  the Vienna hostel was ok, like Prague it had free breakfast- YAY! - but the shower was more useless than mine at home and about 2 ft too short for any sensibly sized adult. I had two really nice room-mates  one of whom is actually living there because finding an apartment is nigh on impossible.

Bleh, my train is going to be late >.< oh yay.  I love sitting on floors in train waiting rooms all the time worrying if I'll make the last connection to Venice.  My kindle is also driving me mad - I must find better software!

Till later,

Bethx

So I should probably stop typing now. But y'know I'm fed up of not blogging because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I'm fed up. Full stop.

I went home and it was beyond awesome, I saw so many of the people I love and care about, I got to be myself, I got to relax and hey I could understand everything, and despite reverse culture shock seriously biting me in the behind, I loved every second of it and it gave me a perspective on life out here.

Its rubbish. It's lonely and I'm too shy/ scared to do anything about it.

Today its my best friends birthday, Her 21st.  You only get one of those, and I'm missing it. I missed my own brothers 18th birthday and I'm missing out on being with friends.

"Ooo but you're on this amazing adventure." If one more person says that I will not be responsible for punching them in the face, because this adventure is punctuated by long periods of unadulterated loneliness and tedium in which you can't find a good pasty to save your life, your made to feel guilty about not enjoying yourself or speaking the sodding language all the time because frankly your head hurts they speak better English than you do German, (mother I don't care about my language right now) and you have no idea where to start looking for them because hanging out with your students, (those closest in age to you) isn't a good idea and quite frankly there and mindset gap between you and them, and it is kinda like hanging out with your little brothers friends.

Why I am I writing this? to prove to myself next year when I hate essays and life, it could be so much worse, at least I have people to whine and comiserate with.

I have another 15 weeks of hell to go. It may as well be eternity.

I want to come home now.

Change, fear, and harsh reality.

So a while back some of my favourite vloggers did a series of videos as to why they were scared in response to a genuine fear posted about one of them by one of them. (Did you follow that?). This will be something like that, only written and on something that is related to me.

I hate change. In any form. Which is why I was so entirely baffled as to how I was coping so well with this year. Then it hit it me. I was prepared for this . They tell you what to expect and its mad out here, amazing but mad. Being so entirely foreign there is no change only new. Therein lying the reason it wasn't a change it was just NEW. There is a subtle difference but I can't explain it. I hate changes, but I adapt merely because there is no choice and I learned long ago that kicking out and lashing out at something that has already happened is pointless, though like most I am still given to the occasional tantrum.

What scares me is the change that awaits me in September, returning to a place and a dynamic that was once so familiar that I could easily forget the more terrifying  aspects of what lay ahead, but was simultaneously reminded of what even a year ago I knew was going to be the worst part of this experience: coming back.

The places won't have changed that much. But it's not the physical things that make a place amazing; it's the faces. And many of those will be missing . It's not just the missing that cause a difference. A year is both simultaneously not long enough and far too long. From having spent even my trifling 21 years on this planet I can tell you people change more in a year than you ever stop to think about. Stop think about it for a moment, the people you've met in the last year, the things you've done the relationships forged, the broken links and the steady continuation of those things you take for granted. Now factor in that each and everyone of these incidences has an effect on you, some profound, some seemingly inconsequential; each adding to or changing some facet of your personality, a dynamic in your relationships.

Now think about someone who has been gone from a situation for a not insubstantial period of time, coming back into something that to you is still normal, to faces you consider close friends that they've never met, to places that haven't changed superficially but under the surface couldn't be more different.

That's what I face. I've come to realise that all those things I miss most aren't even there to go back to. My closest friends will be gone, and there will be strangers who have moved into take their place, and those who remain have moved on out of necessity and those who return with you have the same problem you do, and just like the others you've changed too. And that's why I'm scared. A place I once considered home is now alien, I have once again to carve myself a niche,sounds easy, but weirdly it's harder in a place you think you know, trust me I did it once already. And maybe it seems worse than it actually is but having spoken to 4th yr returnees I don't feel like it is, as one of them said they prepare you for everything going out but neglect to mention the coming back which is bizarrely even more confusing.

And that, dear reader friend, is the worst part of the YA for me.
I'm scared because I miss something that no longer exists, and its a painful reality, a mini grieving if you will, and that I believe is the nub of the so called reverse culture shock.

So I'm going to go and make ridiculous numbers of cheese and Marmite toasties, drink tea because no sane person drinks coffee at this time and sleeps and hug my teddy because that's the best a girl can get alone in a weird country that isn't her own weird country.


 Beth xxx

p.s. I moved, it's awesome and I'll tell you all about  when I'm less introspective.

2012

2012

So the world didn't end we'are all still here and what a year it was! Whilst I recognise that some of you won't have enjoyed this last year, I have. It's been the best year I've had in a very long while. I'ave made some amazing new friends, done some incredible things, not been ill, grown massively in my faith and can even do German first thing in the morning, even if first thing in the morning is something I only see one day a week xD.


I could rattle on about the stuff I've done, and achieved and learned but right now I don't feel this is the forum for that.

What I will say is this: I couldn't have made it through the year without my amazing friends and family or God's grace.


Happy New Year and love to you all.

Beth xxx

So, this is Christmas...

Where did this term go? I’m sat on the ICE leaving Stuttgart on the way to Frankfurt Airport. (despite the fact I’m posting from Amsterdam!) And I’m weirdly apprehensive about coming home, for no apparent reason. Lucy informs me that this is what is more commonly known as reverse culture shock.  At the moment I’m in strange frame of mind, I’m bizarrely excited by the though of being able to have a sausage roll or a pie. Amy laughed a lot when I told her how much I wanted pie.  There was a point last year when my section of the freezer didn’t entirely consist of pie and Ben and Jerrys, but neither of us can remember when. 

I am also looking forward to making up my hug deficit, Christmas dinner, English television (tonight I shall be parked in front of the Big Bang Theory claiming I am “unpacking” I shall then binge on How I met you mother, whilst playing with my new tablet, eating proper sausage and demanding Apfelsaftschorle…. Wait! That’s German… hmmm… I foresee an Aldi visit in my near future.  Oooo and also getting my room ready for the visit of the Hannah!!!! EEEEE!!

Anyway, I have survived, learned a lot made new friends, learnt the odd spot of Schwabisch, navigated my few minor catastrophes, dealt with Homesickness by means of tea and Friday morning porridge. I understand what people are saying to me most of the time now, though they are all as bonkers as we are, they too have a casual dislike towards the French,  they have 375 different types of bread. NOBODY needs that much bread. Especially as most of is as one person most eloquently put it, crust bombs.

I have also discovered that most of our German stereotypes are untrue, their bureaucracy, ( a word I can’t spell), is as messy as ours, their buses are as punctual as ours, the very notion of the famous efficiency is a lie and they have well developed and complex sense of humour, in fact  here in the south they even understand, and have been known to giggle at, our own very British brand of humour. Usually followed by pointing out that am a little bit weird, at some point I’ll get round to pointing out that even Brits think I’m weird too… or maybe not.

The stereotypes that hold fast however are sauerkraut and beer. I loathe cabbage. LOATHE IT. And they it like its chocolate, to illustrate teaching Christmas lessons this week, I was explaining Brussel sprouts and why nobody is sure why we actually eat them, after telling them the German word “Rosenkohl” one boy proceeded to announce “Aber die sind voll Lecker!” (But they’re totally delicious!”) I swear I didn’t headdesk.  Or follow up with “Nur in die Land die liebt Sauerkraut!” No that absolutely did NOT happen, much.

Anyway I am hurtling at 200Kmh toward Mannheim where I must change so that later today I can put my feet back on Northern (!) English soil, hug my mother and run into the nearest purveyor of pastry based goodness buy them out of sausage rolls, get into the car, on the left hand side(!!!) before talking myself to sleep. 

Until I get round to rounding up what happened in the last two weeks,

Merry Christmas,

Beth x

In which there is a catastrophic journey, a large amount of beer, the Commonwealth and a Sarai.

So I apologise for my terrible irregularity in blogging, I must get better.

So where to start! At the beginning probably xD so about 2 weeks ago Sarai came to Germany for a week, the majority of which she spent in Heidelberg with Chloe, though on the Saturday we (Mark and I) trooped into Stuttgart, to meet up with them both. They all got on like a house on fire which pleased me immensely, though it did end in extensive mental trauma for myself but then what meet up in which Mark is involved doesn't?! He had a very slapped head by the end of it.
We did various things including the Fernsehturm (Stuttgart is pretty at night) and even discovered the freshly opened Christmas Market where we consumed warming amounts of Gluhwein. Christmas markets in November. Whatever next?!

On the Tuesday Sarai arrived in Tübingen. Where it transpired she was about to be a celebrity at school. Our textbook for the 5 & 6 Kl is set in Bristol. She not only comes from Bristol, this little fact had overexcited the English department far too much, but she had attended the school in the book and was friends with the various stars of our textbook. You have never seen more excited teachers or yr 10s so eager to ask questions!

I should probably here explain the German system in relation to the English.
The Germans start secondary school, whether it be Berufschule, Realschule, or Gymnasium aged 10. This is their 5. Klasse and is equivalent to the British Yr. 6 (Justus is endlessly disgusted when I tell him he'd still be at primary school in England). So then our yr 7 is their 6. Kl. and continue until they hit 18 when they get their Abitur, (A-levels) in the 12.Kl.

Because of Sarai's visit I've been able to work with some of the 5. Kl. earlier than expected. These kids are so cute but are unhealthily obsessed with titles for their work and as to which colour they should write their work in. "Beth! They've used red and green in the textbook should I do the same and which book should I do it in!?" I couldn't careless as to which colour you do it in just do it and as regards to which book? I would probably suggest your English book? What do mean you have 3 English exercise books?! Well I don't know, apply common sense!" Despite this they are so sweet, I came to my second lesson with them to discover they'd covered the blackboard, (did i mention that educationally this country still hasn't left the 90's?), with "we <3 Beth"  surrounded by various cute doodles. N'awwww.
Anyway Sarai's being here was awesome and brought me to the conclusion she and Mark should never be brought together in the presence of naive and innocent individuals like myself.

Chloe, Sarai and Marky Mark in Stuttgart.

But to bring this long over due ramble back on course I come to last Thursday.

The day the Commonwealth hit Munich.

We arrived late Thursday and after spending evening getting to know some of our room-mates (we were hostelling it up) a bit better, one of whom was hysterically drunk, genuinely hysterically funny.  We went to bed looking forward to the next days explorations. 

The next day we went on a walking tour which was really useful for orientating ourselves, plus we learnt a lot of really cool stuff about the crazy kings and electors of Bavaria.

In the afternoon we visited the Munich Residenz which is the 2nd biggest palace in Europe. Anyone who knows the largest may reward themselves with chocolate. This was before we hit the shops and the shops hit my wallet. but not as heavily as we'd expected. I still ended up with a new dress for the opera though :)

During Shopping we met up with the lovely Serena and went for dinner at the Hofbräuhaus :)

We spent pretty much the entire evening there soaking up some very Bavarian Culture, which everyone mistakes as being representative of Germany as a whole. It really isn't - the rest of Germany regards Bavaria as somewhat "special".  (Hint: the quotes strongly imply negativity).

Anyway, the next day Hannah's insatiable appetite for castles took us to the rather impressive Nymphembuger Schloß:

It was very impressive and set in really pretty grounds but very little of it is actually open to the public which was quite disappointing. Especially as we paid €5 to get in, grrr.

We then set off to explore the student quarter, which is really unfriendly to students in terms of shopping!! Undeterred Anna was determined to find Dirndls – traditional womens dress in Bayern.  We found a shop that sold them second hand which made them somewhat more affordable, (however I was feeling far too skint and knackered by this point to start squeezing in and out of boned corsets), however the excitement and joy of Hannah and Anna made it awesome fun, to the point where I tried a couple on, at this point however, it was getting late and I went back to change for the opera as they had decided to wear whichever Dirndls they bought. Hannah bought 2. She was so excited. She also attempted to change in the opera foyer under her coat. I have never laughed so hard. Eventually they had to go outside find a dark corner and hide whilst Hannah finished changing, all because before you have tickets you’re not allowed into the loos.  And as students we had to wait for the cheap seats. Of which there weren't any L, too many rich people taking too many children to the opera!

BAH! so we trundled away sad. And wound up going for dinner in the HB for the second night running xD

Hannah and Anna sporting their Dirndls!

Where we shared a table with a bunch of mad Austrians who kept buying us drinks and renamed us, Blumen, rose and Amy,  heaven only knows why, but it likely had a lot to do with the beer they were knocking back at a rate to put any proud alcoholic to shame! 

Sunday.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sunday. In one day I lost and found my purse (in the middle of Munich) was involved in an accident and was stuck in traffic by a not so accidental accident.

To start the day: Topping up my phone I managed to leave my purse in the bank. Cos I'm a twerp. Only found out after travelling to the other side of town. Travelled back. Wasn't there of course. Went to tourist info to ask for directions to the police station. Followed directions. Which turned out to be utter rubbish. had minor breakdown and rang mum. Mum understandably bemused. "And I can do what for you precisely?" Rang Mark, flipped out a 2nd time. Found a Starbucks asked nice barista. Found police station. "Ah yes its been handed in. To another police station." More confusing directions. Ask more policemen as to where on earth guy in the Präsidium had been on about. Find Police station. On the other side of the same building as the Präsidum. (the mind boggles). Regain purse, WITH EVERYTHING STILL IN IT!!! :D Dance with utter joy.

We then found lunch and headed off to the Deutsches Museum for an afternoon of looking at impressive shiny objects.

Oh and I also tried sushi. I still don't get it.

Then after coffee, crepes and collecting our bags from the hostel we headed for the Bus.

Anyone who was on Facebook on Sunday night has a notion of what happened.

All was going well until just after Augsburg.

Then the traffic got heavier and heavier and heavier and then stop.

2 & half hours later we are moving freely again.

The accident site consists of one car. surrounded by Police cars and various Rettungswagen.

We are all rather befuddled.

We later found out that the cause of this was one not uncommon in Germany. Someone had driven on to the Autobahn, floored the accelerator and driven straight into the central reservation and committed suicide.
This is why we have speed limits.
This is why I will never support unlimited motorway speed.

Its also inconsiderate and damn annoying for everybody else. I may or may not have ranted at length yesterday to Dieter in the staffroom about this. Germans seem to find my passion for ranting hysterical.

Anyway back to the road, we reached the outer limits of Stuttgart and were nearly at the airport. When a taxi driver rounded the corner at speed with no right of way and drove straight into us taking of his wing mirror and doing the side of his car some serious damage. He then had the gall to blame us for it and we had to wait for half an hour for the police to come and assign blame and deal with insurance.

Finally at just gone midnight we achieved Tübingen Busbahnhof. 2 hours late and with no hope of a bus.

Thankfully Hannah's lovely landlady drove us home.

And thus ended one of the craziest days of my life.

Today I got paid. I totally did not go shopping...

Till I can be trust with a debit card,
Bethxx

The ramblings of Beth...

It’s weird how lonely you can feel surrounded by people. Sometimes living with a family is arguably worse than living on your own. At least on your own you don’t have a constant reminder of what you’re missing back home. Hugs are few and far between and there are times you just need a big hug.  I knew half term would be difficult which is why I’ve spent most of it travelling about. Unfortunately as Mark discovered yesterday when he got off the same train as me, (neither of us had any idea we were on the same train) and kidnapped me for coffee, travelling drains me of any life force and leaves me fit only for the knackers yard. Plus it was probably greatly exacerbated by a social on Monday, which served only to remind me that this 21 yr old revels in being bed or at least home by 1 where it is warm and familiar. I was born middle aged.

So yeah, the travelling. I started over a week ago when I ran off to Zwickau to see Lydia, a friend from Altenberg who looks suspiciously like Alyson. To the extent I accidently call her Alyson upon occasion; thankfully she’s an excellent sport who laughs my incompetence with names off, before thinking up ingenious ways of getting revenge on housemates who make too much inappropriate noise. Damn that was awkward, trying to not to act like we’d heard everything and behave like normal human beings was indeed very difficult. At one point Lyds was convinced they were off again so played Bob the Builder very loudly out side they’re room so as to ward off any further potential awkwardness. I haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time. We then settled down to watch some Mock the Week when both housemate and Gf walked in “Ahhh its mock the Week! We heard Bob the  Builder and were like what the flip?!” (Language Moderated :P) Cue more hysterical laughing.

The next morning still sniggering we jumped on a train to Bayreuth. About half way through this journey I said “Lydi, am I going mad or is it snowing?” I wasn’t mad it was genuinely snowing. Now I realise it snowed in the UK too but I’d like to point out that the amount of snow that fell here would’ve brought the UK to a standstill. There was so much  it was pulling trees down under the weight of the snow! However at this point it snowed for a meagre 10 mins before raining for the rest of the day. Which made all our sightseeing/Shopping slightly soggy. We in Bayreuth to visit Lauren, a friend of Lydia’s who is absolutely lovely J. We had many entertaining encounters Lyds and Lauren even made a new friend.

(That thing is actually a head. A sharks head cushion, they have stags, unicorns and other wacky things too)

It continued to rainb and as such we all decided against the Stammtisch we could go to and instead ate Chocolate, strawberry laces and drank wine watching films and comedy because lets face it, there is nothing better! If only Lidl sold Ben and Jerrys…

Then back home in the snow. Went to bed… still snowing and so I woke up to this:

 I stayed inside as well I don’t need a cold thanks very much.

Monday I went to the bank to enquire as to the whereabouts of my bank card, and internet banking details. To be told… “Hmm it seems we haven’t ordered them…” To which Mark and I simultaneously responded  “What do you mean not ordered? Are they not ordered automatically when the account is opened?” The woman with false eyelashes and too much eyeliner simply stared at us as if we’d grown another head each and simply said “Nein.” And thus was the final nail put into the coffin of German efficiency.

After that Kerfuffle Mark annouced there was nothing for it but Coffee and Cake:

I went home showered ate dinner packed, put washing on – nothing to actually pack- and went out to Social with other teachers, rolled home at 2.30 wondering if getting a train in the morning had really been the wisest plan.

The next morning I promptly fell asleep on the train to Stuttgart where I nearly didn’t get off, I think a nice guy tapped my shoulder to wake me up, but I can’t be sure, from there to Heidelberg to atch up with Anne and Chloe, we had a pretty awesome time, and I’ve discovered I cannot German upon waking up. My brain can’t function in English in the morning. Let alone in German!

But if I’m honest, part of the reason for so much travelling is to run away from my feelings. If I’m busy I can’t dwell on my emotions, missing people, homesickness in general. Sadly it doesn’t exactly work like that and wherever you go you will find something that will serve only to remind you of how far from home you are.

If there’s one thing the year abroad has taught me it’s this: You will never be as prepared as you think you are, or you will leave unresolved issues behind and they will haunt you, and it will make coping with the rest of the emotional overload completely and utterly impossible. So my advice is to leave nothing important unsaid, I was given this same advice and ignored it because the thought of actually saying it was too scared, now every time all I can hear is Hannah saying: “If you don’t… you’ll just be left wondering and you’ll beat yourself up and regret it.”

I’m not the only one who has been in this positions I spoke with a former Year abroader who went through a similar thing, and we both agree, it’s even worse in a foreign country.  It doesn’t decrease the need for a hug, it doesn’t make the feeling of being ignored less painful, it just gets worse and worse and you end up crying to one of best friends on skype because you feel like a total idiot.  You’ll end up crying on skype either way because homesickness +tiredness x not having seen them in ages = emotional meltdown; and the slightest thing can trigger a bad day, from excess waspage in the bakery, (and them not giving a flying monkeys) to getting lost on the bus or even just that you really, really, really, really want a hug and quite frankly sometimes teddy don’t cut it.

It’s the last time I break my own rules. Not that I intended to this time. Never underestimate the importance of a simple reply. Talking is key; and I should have done more of it earlier. 

Now however I’m gonna go hug teddy and make hot chocolate because that’s what I’ve got oh and attempt to communicate in a language in which I have the linguistic competency of a 4 year old. If that.