I haven't posted in a long while and I'm not sorry. I haven't wanted to and if I force it, it doesn't work out the way it should.
I'm ill. It happens occasionally. I want to set the record straight. Bust some myths that I've had thrown at me over the years. Stuff that has destroyed relationships and caused unbelievable amounts of hurt. And explain my long abscences.
I have struggled with depression for as about as long as I can remember now. Even in primary school.
My inablity to cope with what I've been feeling or the internal confusion has caused my to lash out. Particularly when I was younger.
Many people are surprised when I tell them about the things I struggle with because I'm a loud vibrant person most of the time. Most people with depression don't exactly advertise how they're feeling. Because people don't understand.
And they say stupid things.
One of the most hurtful, unfounded things that is said regularly is, "Its attention seeking and its childish" One person even went so far to say at my lowest point aged 16 that I was" too young to be depressed."
(That person destroyed not only many of my relationships, but also a 25 year standing friendship of their own.)
Nonsense. Depression can strike at any age. The younger the individual the less likely they are to be able to handle it in a "socially acceptable" manner, for the most part they don't even understand what on earth is going on, why they feel so bad. Many people have written about this but considering that most who read this blog are in some way acquainted with me I wanted to give a personal account.
So many young adults and teenagers struggle with mental illnesses. But so many of their friends don't know how to react. Its not only the stigma we need to address but how friends and family support and care for people suffering. As I've grown older the support from my friends has been amazing and some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me - they know who they are and I love you. Thank you.. But there have been those who in their lack of understanding did all the wrong things.
I've forgiven them. And I explained and tried to mend any hurts I'd unwittingly inflicted.
Some of them apologised. Some of them, well I'm still waiting.
Depression can be triggered by so many things. Different people, react differently.
I'm no expert in these things, I have only my own experience of the dark shadow. My black cotton wool.
But there is a time to hug and a time to comfort and tip toe around and there's a time to get tough. Getting tough may not be your job, it may be someone else's. Your job is to support that person in whatever way is best. Pulling away and just dropping them is NOT that way. If you need the space to protect yourself, fine, reducing contact is different. Giving yourself space is in someways very natural, but someone who is suffering with depression will in all likelihood not be viewing social interaction in the same way as you, and most likely not in the way they would when they're 100%.
Depression makes you feel Isolated, alone, misunderstood and knocks out a chunk of self esteem and self worth so large that quite frankly, you don't even feel like a person anymore. A feeling, that if sustained for long enough, may, and can have disastrous consequences.
As I've said, I'm no psychologist, I don't know how it manifests in every different person. I can only tell you how I work. And I'm affected by things like ADHD and my Faith, not everyone has these aspects in their lives.
So that's that.
I'm Ill. It happens. And I have some incredible people who support me. Like my mum. We don't always get on. She does a lot of nagging and I infuriate her. But I love her lots. She's always there when I fall apart.
Thank you mum.
Beth xxx
