Adieu 2013.

Wow. December 31st 2013. The past year (and 3months) has been a little mental!
I taught in Germany and survived despite Mark's best efforts!
I learned to drive - now if could just afford my tests! Returned to beloved Lancaster remembered how much I hated DELC and hid under my duvet.
I met some amazing people!
Went to awesome places with them!
Berlin with Lydia!
Rome with Dan
Switzerland with the usual suspect.
Prague, Austria, Venice, Verona, and France by my slightly terrified adventurous self - Not sure I'd do it again!
It all seems so strange and long ago now, but for now the craziest year of my life so far comes to a close and opens a year of change.
If I'm being honest I've had quite enough of Change already, unfortunately life gets boring without it and despite its more uncomfortable aspects I suppose we have to keep moving forward. So the next year is an adventure, probably a whole lot more mundane than this, but hopefully just as exciting, probably not less stressful, and hopefully full of good things.
Whatever happens God has it under control and loves us no matter what.
I hope you have wonderful new year, I shall try and blog more.... don't hold your breath though.
Happy New Year!
Bonnie Année et meilleurs voeux!
Guten Rutsch in dem neuen Jahr!
All my love,
Beth xxx

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Things I needed to say.

I haven't posted in a long while and I'm not sorry. I haven't wanted to and if I force it, it doesn't work out the way it should.

I'm ill. It happens occasionally. I want to set the record straight. Bust some myths that I've had thrown at me over the years. Stuff that has destroyed relationships and caused unbelievable amounts of hurt. And explain my long abscences.

I have struggled with depression for as about as long as I can remember now. Even in primary school.
My inablity to cope with what I've been feeling or the internal confusion has caused my to lash out. Particularly when I was younger.

Many people are surprised when I tell them about the things I struggle with because I'm a loud vibrant person most of the time. Most people with depression don't exactly advertise how they're feeling. Because people don't understand.

And they say stupid things.

One of the most hurtful, unfounded things that is said regularly is, "Its attention seeking and its childish" One person even went so far to say at my lowest point aged 16 that I was" too young to be depressed."
(That person destroyed not only many of my relationships, but also a 25 year standing friendship of their own.)
Nonsense. Depression can strike at any age. The younger the individual the less likely they are to be able to handle it in a "socially acceptable" manner, for the most part they don't even understand what on earth is going on, why they feel so bad. Many people have written about this but considering that most who read this blog are in some way acquainted with me I wanted to give a personal account.
So many young adults and teenagers struggle with mental illnesses. But so many of their friends don't know how to react. Its not only the stigma we need to address but how friends and family support and care for people suffering. As I've grown older the support from my friends has been amazing and some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me - they know who they are and I love you. Thank you.. But there have been those who in their lack of understanding did all the wrong things.
I've forgiven them. And I explained and tried to mend any hurts I'd unwittingly inflicted.
Some of them apologised. Some of them, well I'm still waiting.
Depression can be triggered by so many things. Different people, react differently.
I'm no expert in these things, I have only my own experience of the dark shadow. My black cotton wool.
But there is a time to hug and a time to comfort and tip toe around and there's a time to get tough. Getting tough may not be your job, it may be someone else's. Your job is to support that person in whatever way is best. Pulling away and just dropping them is NOT that way. If you need the space to protect yourself, fine, reducing contact is different. Giving yourself space is in someways very natural, but someone who is suffering with depression will in all likelihood not be viewing social interaction in the same way as you, and most likely not in the way they would when they're 100%.

Depression makes you feel Isolated, alone, misunderstood and knocks out a chunk of self esteem and self worth so large that quite frankly, you don't even feel like a person anymore. A feeling, that if sustained for long enough, may, and can have disastrous consequences.

As I've said, I'm no psychologist, I don't know how it manifests in every different person. I can only tell you how I work. And I'm affected by things like ADHD and my Faith, not everyone has these aspects in their lives.

So that's that.

I'm Ill. It happens. And I have some incredible people who support me. Like my mum. We don't always get on. She does a lot of nagging and I infuriate her. But I love her lots. She's always there when I fall apart.
Thank you mum.

Beth xxx

One month

Wow. So here it is. The end. And weirdly it's just as I'm getting settled. Grrrr, typical. It takes me to fully relax anywhere. So here I am sat on a train to hang out with Jo and Sam and possibly Mark if he gets his hungover backside out of bed this side of the end of the world.
Do not get me wrong I am very excited to be Lancaster bound again and to see all the awesome people, annoy my mother,( wait I can do that here), learn to drive! Go on camp, go shopping because weddings galore, and earn some money so one can afford to do all this stuff!!
Reflecting on this year I've seen so much , done so much, learnt a ton, made mistakes and grown up and matured.
And as for Tübingen I think I'll miss it. I'll definitely miss weekly coffee and cake with Mark - boy can this country do cake. In that respect this year has been like rewinding the clock four years and behaving like 17 yr. old oiks again.
All the same I'm going to miss this beautiful corner of Germany and the friends I've made here.
Bis Später
Bethxxx

Sorting out the mess

So, I've been all out of sorts lately. And its kinda my fault - I haven't been looking after myself the way I should have been.

So I've decided somethings. I have 6 weeks left here and for those next six weeks I'm going to start as I mean to go on.

I'm gonna eat eat a piece of fruit a day - those that know me will know just how difficult that is going to be. Fruit is evil.

I shall not avoid vegetables.

I shall eat 3 square meals a day rather than maybe having one.

I shall run twice a week. Whether I want to or not.

I shall learn the importance of sleeping sensibly. If that means going to bed at old biddy o'clock then so be it. Sleeping through my alarm clock is not good.

I shall hydrate myself properly.

If I can do these small things then maybe we can do the big things like essays, and getting up on time.

Beth Does Some Travelling. Part 1.

OK, so what follows is sort of like my travel diary that I wrote on the road. I have tried to make it make as much sense as possible but I rarely make sense anyway! I would apologise for my tardiness but my unabashed faulheit refuses to let me do so. This is Part 1. Part 2 will follow later.

Entry 1: 23/3/13

Praha to give it it's proper title is an incredible city. The Bohemian Architecture is breath taking, shame then, that like most things these days some brats, dragged up rather than raised, have "tagged",(read pathetically daubed in spray paint) everywhere they can.  My own pet hates aside, the castle complex was stunning a blend of eras and over 2 Km long it pretty much killed my feet! In one of the older parts of the Castle I slyly attached myself to a German Tour Group, in which I learned about the 3 Prague Defenestrations. Defenestration, as my mother learnt yesterday is my favourite word and frequently leads to giggling with glee. The German word for defenestration is very boring and German. Also what kind of a country thinks "hmm we're fed up let's chuck these people out of a window!"?  After that I decided it was time to find some food, but not until I had napped and an arguement with a computer. I eventually went to this little restauranty place around the corner from my hostel which was recommended as the girl on the desk as being the place she went for dinner with friends. It was great genuine Czech cooking and I was surrounded by Czechs all of whom were surprised when I couldn't understand a word they were saying because apparently only Czechs go there! Awesome! I doubted this somewhat however by the fact they had a pile of English language menus... hmmmm

Moi in St. Wenceslas Sq.

The most exciting thing about Prague for myself however was the presence of those most British of Supermarkets Tesco and Marks and Sparks. Ginger Nuts I have missed your biscuity goodness, I blame your lack of presence for my lack of essays!
 I am of course kidding but I did get far too over excited.

Prasky Hrad, Prague Castle. Its ginormous.

Mark must have been using all the common sense lately because I fouled up and missed my train this morning by mixing up my departure and arrival times. Ahh well you need a relaxing morning occasionally!

Urgh Austrains! Stop slurring! Incomprehensible few days ahead! right well I'm off because my tablet is dying and being a great big behind and putting 'A's every where.

Ciao for now!

Bethx

Entry 2: 25/3/13

Vienna and Salzburg.

Cold, snowy and very snowy. The adventures of Beth continue to be excessively cold, I have never been more fed up of snow, if I see any more of it I will start to cry. Man it stinks on the this train. Vienna was gorgeous and I must get round to sending my postcards. I decided to spend as much of the day inside as I could in order not to freeze to death. A likely prospect in the minus 8 temperatures. So I visited the Hapsburg Imperial palaces. 

Schonbrünn Schloss

My somewhat wonky panorama shot of the Vienna Hofburg !

Unfortunately the only place one was allowed to take pictures was in the bit I would have walked straight through had it not been so cold out. Sorry but plates don't interest me. I eat off them, the fact that one family has 11 dinner services seems utterly preposterous. I know mum has a couple but that's more mish mash, bish bash smash, than she enjoys collecting plates.

I did spend some time meandering around the city centre but mainly in the hunt for my next restorative caffeine shot. It was during this vaguely pointed meandering that I suddenly realised the similarities between the Vienna Rathaus and that of Munich... Munich's however is much more ornate.

 Suspiciously Similar - Vienna Rathaus. 

Today I had a short stop in Salzburg, it was meant to be a longer stop however my nighttrain turned out not to be direct and so I only got 3 hours in the city for most of which I was gravely lost, I did eventually find the tourist info office and a map but I didn't get chance to do much more than wander around because of time restraints and desperately trying to find a place to stay that night whilst battling McDonald's rubbish Wi-Fi! The city itself is something of a city of contrasts, the beautiful old town city centre with the Salzburger Schloß towering over it, whilst the new town is not so nice. It brought to mind Soviet oppression meaning it was likely all done in the sixties.

 Salzburger Schloss

I have noticed that this diary has a somewhat architectural theme so far, probably because I haven't been eating extravagantly. Other than my encounter with Czech food in Prague.  the Vienna hostel was ok, like Prague it had free breakfast- YAY! - but the shower was more useless than mine at home and about 2 ft too short for any sensibly sized adult. I had two really nice room-mates  one of whom is actually living there because finding an apartment is nigh on impossible.

Bleh, my train is going to be late >.< oh yay.  I love sitting on floors in train waiting rooms all the time worrying if I'll make the last connection to Venice.  My kindle is also driving me mad - I must find better software!

Till later,

Bethx

So I should probably stop typing now. But y'know I'm fed up of not blogging because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I'm fed up. Full stop.

I went home and it was beyond awesome, I saw so many of the people I love and care about, I got to be myself, I got to relax and hey I could understand everything, and despite reverse culture shock seriously biting me in the behind, I loved every second of it and it gave me a perspective on life out here.

Its rubbish. It's lonely and I'm too shy/ scared to do anything about it.

Today its my best friends birthday, Her 21st.  You only get one of those, and I'm missing it. I missed my own brothers 18th birthday and I'm missing out on being with friends.

"Ooo but you're on this amazing adventure." If one more person says that I will not be responsible for punching them in the face, because this adventure is punctuated by long periods of unadulterated loneliness and tedium in which you can't find a good pasty to save your life, your made to feel guilty about not enjoying yourself or speaking the sodding language all the time because frankly your head hurts they speak better English than you do German, (mother I don't care about my language right now) and you have no idea where to start looking for them because hanging out with your students, (those closest in age to you) isn't a good idea and quite frankly there and mindset gap between you and them, and it is kinda like hanging out with your little brothers friends.

Why I am I writing this? to prove to myself next year when I hate essays and life, it could be so much worse, at least I have people to whine and comiserate with.

I have another 15 weeks of hell to go. It may as well be eternity.

I want to come home now.

Change, fear, and harsh reality.

So a while back some of my favourite vloggers did a series of videos as to why they were scared in response to a genuine fear posted about one of them by one of them. (Did you follow that?). This will be something like that, only written and on something that is related to me.

I hate change. In any form. Which is why I was so entirely baffled as to how I was coping so well with this year. Then it hit it me. I was prepared for this . They tell you what to expect and its mad out here, amazing but mad. Being so entirely foreign there is no change only new. Therein lying the reason it wasn't a change it was just NEW. There is a subtle difference but I can't explain it. I hate changes, but I adapt merely because there is no choice and I learned long ago that kicking out and lashing out at something that has already happened is pointless, though like most I am still given to the occasional tantrum.

What scares me is the change that awaits me in September, returning to a place and a dynamic that was once so familiar that I could easily forget the more terrifying  aspects of what lay ahead, but was simultaneously reminded of what even a year ago I knew was going to be the worst part of this experience: coming back.

The places won't have changed that much. But it's not the physical things that make a place amazing; it's the faces. And many of those will be missing . It's not just the missing that cause a difference. A year is both simultaneously not long enough and far too long. From having spent even my trifling 21 years on this planet I can tell you people change more in a year than you ever stop to think about. Stop think about it for a moment, the people you've met in the last year, the things you've done the relationships forged, the broken links and the steady continuation of those things you take for granted. Now factor in that each and everyone of these incidences has an effect on you, some profound, some seemingly inconsequential; each adding to or changing some facet of your personality, a dynamic in your relationships.

Now think about someone who has been gone from a situation for a not insubstantial period of time, coming back into something that to you is still normal, to faces you consider close friends that they've never met, to places that haven't changed superficially but under the surface couldn't be more different.

That's what I face. I've come to realise that all those things I miss most aren't even there to go back to. My closest friends will be gone, and there will be strangers who have moved into take their place, and those who remain have moved on out of necessity and those who return with you have the same problem you do, and just like the others you've changed too. And that's why I'm scared. A place I once considered home is now alien, I have once again to carve myself a niche,sounds easy, but weirdly it's harder in a place you think you know, trust me I did it once already. And maybe it seems worse than it actually is but having spoken to 4th yr returnees I don't feel like it is, as one of them said they prepare you for everything going out but neglect to mention the coming back which is bizarrely even more confusing.

And that, dear reader friend, is the worst part of the YA for me.
I'm scared because I miss something that no longer exists, and its a painful reality, a mini grieving if you will, and that I believe is the nub of the so called reverse culture shock.

So I'm going to go and make ridiculous numbers of cheese and Marmite toasties, drink tea because no sane person drinks coffee at this time and sleeps and hug my teddy because that's the best a girl can get alone in a weird country that isn't her own weird country.


 Beth xxx

p.s. I moved, it's awesome and I'll tell you all about  when I'm less introspective.