The ramblings of Beth...

It’s weird how lonely you can feel surrounded by people. Sometimes living with a family is arguably worse than living on your own. At least on your own you don’t have a constant reminder of what you’re missing back home. Hugs are few and far between and there are times you just need a big hug.  I knew half term would be difficult which is why I’ve spent most of it travelling about. Unfortunately as Mark discovered yesterday when he got off the same train as me, (neither of us had any idea we were on the same train) and kidnapped me for coffee, travelling drains me of any life force and leaves me fit only for the knackers yard. Plus it was probably greatly exacerbated by a social on Monday, which served only to remind me that this 21 yr old revels in being bed or at least home by 1 where it is warm and familiar. I was born middle aged.

So yeah, the travelling. I started over a week ago when I ran off to Zwickau to see Lydia, a friend from Altenberg who looks suspiciously like Alyson. To the extent I accidently call her Alyson upon occasion; thankfully she’s an excellent sport who laughs my incompetence with names off, before thinking up ingenious ways of getting revenge on housemates who make too much inappropriate noise. Damn that was awkward, trying to not to act like we’d heard everything and behave like normal human beings was indeed very difficult. At one point Lyds was convinced they were off again so played Bob the Builder very loudly out side they’re room so as to ward off any further potential awkwardness. I haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time. We then settled down to watch some Mock the Week when both housemate and Gf walked in “Ahhh its mock the Week! We heard Bob the  Builder and were like what the flip?!” (Language Moderated :P) Cue more hysterical laughing.

The next morning still sniggering we jumped on a train to Bayreuth. About half way through this journey I said “Lydi, am I going mad or is it snowing?” I wasn’t mad it was genuinely snowing. Now I realise it snowed in the UK too but I’d like to point out that the amount of snow that fell here would’ve brought the UK to a standstill. There was so much  it was pulling trees down under the weight of the snow! However at this point it snowed for a meagre 10 mins before raining for the rest of the day. Which made all our sightseeing/Shopping slightly soggy. We in Bayreuth to visit Lauren, a friend of Lydia’s who is absolutely lovely J. We had many entertaining encounters Lyds and Lauren even made a new friend.

(That thing is actually a head. A sharks head cushion, they have stags, unicorns and other wacky things too)

It continued to rainb and as such we all decided against the Stammtisch we could go to and instead ate Chocolate, strawberry laces and drank wine watching films and comedy because lets face it, there is nothing better! If only Lidl sold Ben and Jerrys…

Then back home in the snow. Went to bed… still snowing and so I woke up to this:

 I stayed inside as well I don’t need a cold thanks very much.

Monday I went to the bank to enquire as to the whereabouts of my bank card, and internet banking details. To be told… “Hmm it seems we haven’t ordered them…” To which Mark and I simultaneously responded  “What do you mean not ordered? Are they not ordered automatically when the account is opened?” The woman with false eyelashes and too much eyeliner simply stared at us as if we’d grown another head each and simply said “Nein.” And thus was the final nail put into the coffin of German efficiency.

After that Kerfuffle Mark annouced there was nothing for it but Coffee and Cake:

I went home showered ate dinner packed, put washing on – nothing to actually pack- and went out to Social with other teachers, rolled home at 2.30 wondering if getting a train in the morning had really been the wisest plan.

The next morning I promptly fell asleep on the train to Stuttgart where I nearly didn’t get off, I think a nice guy tapped my shoulder to wake me up, but I can’t be sure, from there to Heidelberg to atch up with Anne and Chloe, we had a pretty awesome time, and I’ve discovered I cannot German upon waking up. My brain can’t function in English in the morning. Let alone in German!

But if I’m honest, part of the reason for so much travelling is to run away from my feelings. If I’m busy I can’t dwell on my emotions, missing people, homesickness in general. Sadly it doesn’t exactly work like that and wherever you go you will find something that will serve only to remind you of how far from home you are.

If there’s one thing the year abroad has taught me it’s this: You will never be as prepared as you think you are, or you will leave unresolved issues behind and they will haunt you, and it will make coping with the rest of the emotional overload completely and utterly impossible. So my advice is to leave nothing important unsaid, I was given this same advice and ignored it because the thought of actually saying it was too scared, now every time all I can hear is Hannah saying: “If you don’t… you’ll just be left wondering and you’ll beat yourself up and regret it.”

I’m not the only one who has been in this positions I spoke with a former Year abroader who went through a similar thing, and we both agree, it’s even worse in a foreign country.  It doesn’t decrease the need for a hug, it doesn’t make the feeling of being ignored less painful, it just gets worse and worse and you end up crying to one of best friends on skype because you feel like a total idiot.  You’ll end up crying on skype either way because homesickness +tiredness x not having seen them in ages = emotional meltdown; and the slightest thing can trigger a bad day, from excess waspage in the bakery, (and them not giving a flying monkeys) to getting lost on the bus or even just that you really, really, really, really want a hug and quite frankly sometimes teddy don’t cut it.

It’s the last time I break my own rules. Not that I intended to this time. Never underestimate the importance of a simple reply. Talking is key; and I should have done more of it earlier. 

Now however I’m gonna go hug teddy and make hot chocolate because that’s what I’ve got oh and attempt to communicate in a language in which I have the linguistic competency of a 4 year old. If that.