ARGH! IT'S LIVE.

That's right folks Just in case I haven' overloaded your social media feeds enough, Chapter One of Blood Ties is now available on Wattpad. I made a cover. Its ridiculously beautiful.

The link to Wattpad is HERE! Click the underlined word!!!  You know how hyperlinks work.

I shall also post it on here, and more updates on how the book is going.

Currently it's stuck in the middle of chapter six going nowhere fast. *facepalm*

But enjoy the first chapter :D

Bethx

Reading and Writing.

Here's a thing. When you start writing your own stuff you suddenly pay much closer attention to the way other people write.

Jealousy becomes a serious problem. Sometimes you read material so good the envy overwhelms you and you have just sit there for a moment grousing that you didn't come up with the quote about electro music sounding "like a robot having a seizure".

And then you read the scratching you made on the paper in front of you, and end up feeling like you've read better worded, more complex, more gripping thrillers scribbled on a sheet of A4 by a hyperactive 5 year old with a dinosaur obsession and access to the wax crayon tin.

Then you let other people read your stuff because, hey misery loves company. but they tell you that have nothing to worry about. So you believe them. Until you have to sit down and try and write more at which point you remember you really can't write. Let alone in two different voices.

I have two main characters. two twin girls creatively named Aleksis and Aleksa who share very similar names for reasons that become obvious during the story,   There are other key characters. But none of them have really come out of the woodwork yet.

The story is written from the girls perspectives, which will serve to illustrate the two different sides of the story and explore the goings on much more widely. Despite this I'm hoping that the reader will still never be in full possession of all the facts at any one time.

I have already posted a snippet from Lexa. Its totally unrelated to anything much. But its a something. I may drop more little bits at other points.

It's hard to know what to do properly until I decide about trying to publish it. But then I'll need more than 6 chapters to know xD.


Anyway that's the news for now

Bethxx

Snippet

because sandwiches.


"Sir Gravel doesn't bother speaking to me just shoves me forward. Somewhere in the back of my head I remember Norton saying he had an actual name. I focus on trying to remember it as I'm propelled down the corridor. Something to do with ham? Ham... ham...hungry. No. As much as I'd like a sandwich he didn't have anything to do with lunch. It sounded sharp. Point? no. Knife? something to do with knives? Daggers? That was it! Dagham. Sir Gravel was actually called Dagham."

Err Hello...

So its been awhile...

I've been busy, Graduating, Job getting and trying to make out like I'm a responsible adult.  The last one being the hardest of course.

I've also been busy cracking on with realising a life long dream. Writing a novel/book. In my last term of Uni I was finally struck with the lightening bolt of inspiration. It took long enough. So I wandered into the Union shop and picked up a large black notebook, which I imaginatively named "The Big Black Book", and started scratching out my idea. And idea that grew into a world, a world that I then had to shelve because Exams and job hunting then became a thing I had to worry about.

A few months later, when the world had settled down a bit, I got out the Big Black Book, my mechanical pencil and got scribbling again.
3 1/2 chapters later I'm still going. Its not easy, sometimes it's not fun because translating what's in your head on to the page is really hard when you can't get the words right, but there's an immense feeling of satisfaction when you get it right. The only problem is  that  to get any idea of how good it is you have to A) be brave enough to let other people read it (because they might really hate it) and B) have some really honest friends, brutally honest, because if it is really rubbish then as heartbreaking as that might be it's time to A) give up, B) start again or C) Serious rewrites.

So far I've no need for A, B or C.

I'm about 4/5 chapters in at the moment and working hard. I might post a few snippets on here when I'm further along with the manuscript, as well as character profiles and the like if people would find that interesting. If any arty types want to draw any of the things in the book at all, I'd love it. I can't draw myself, and seeing characters come to life outside the page is always fun.

Anyway that's what I'm up to other than being a Teaching Assistant whose maths skills are slowly improving.
Gosh actual real world work is hard. Getting up in the morning is even harder and being a professional sensible adult? AHAHAHAHAHAHA. It's exceptionally difficult.

It's quite hard remembering that you're not a kid any more, and that you're not supposed to laugh at their antics when they're playing up in class, because they're being disrespectful.



Gosh.

Anyway till sooner rather than later,

Beth xxx

Happy 3rd Birthday Planet Beth!

Today my blog is 3! This time 3 years ago I was bored with revising for 1st year exams and so I started this nonsense in a moment of procrastination. Hopefully you've enjoyed it thus far, I intend to keep going with it :)
I definitely didn't expect to have started a second blog, which again I intend to keep going for your enjoyment. Because that's the sort of lovely person I am.

Anyway:

FREEDOM!

FREIHEIT!

LIBERTÉ!

I Never have to write another academic exam - EVER AGAIN! My Joy is unbridled.

PUBBAGE! LATE NIGHTS! Obscenely late lie-ins! Baking! Parties and book reading! Writing CV's and Job applications!

...Wait no! Not the last one. No Jobs! I don't want one of those! I wish to be a lady of leisure, a professional shopping , book reading, late sleeping, individual of means for a while longer. Along while longer.

Well, sort of. It does kinda get boring after a week when no-one else is avaliable to socialise. That and I'm rather good at this whole work notion, even if sometimes I hate it to the point it makes me simultaneously both homicidal and suicidal - Go on put that radio on again - I dare you. I dare you...

Lets just say I strongly disliked Warehousing.

 But if anyone has need of a lanky multilingual 22yr old; I'm available for hire. Please somebody give me a job? Please? 

In the meantime I'm enjoying doing things like reading and writing and staring at my guitar. Which I'd love to be able to play properly but can't and really want to so if anyone wants to have a laugh at me and attempt to teach me That'd be great :) I would reward you with Cake. Lots of Cake.

2nd Order of Business. I went "out" out on Friday, for the first time in forever and had a really awesome time.It just proves that going out is all about who you go with and not where you go. Also the fact that the music was pure cheese really helped, there was a lot of this sort of dancing:

Kit and Hannah modelling some serious moves there. :P

I did have a full drafted out blog to post but it was sort of time limited and errr... I wasn't very proactive in posting because I was too busy having fun. 

Talking of fun, I've had immense fun on here for the last 3 years and I hope you don't mind ramblings too much because I'm going to keep doing it. Along with my other little writing projects which might if a) you're very good and b) I feel its good enough, will make an appearance on here :)

I'm kind of giddy and full of German food at the moment so I may be getting repetitive so I'm going to toddle off and do the washing up that making excellent noms inccurs....

Bethx 

It's been awhile...`

In many ways.

I've been kinda busy.

But also this blog is nearly 3 years old. I started it whilst busy procrastinating during my 1st Year exam period. Oh how much has changed! So much has happened.
At the same time very little has changed.
I'm still studying the evolution of English, or I was. That exam was eeeeevil. He wanted an essay on a question that could be effectively answered in depth in a single paragraph.  Language exams are still hell. Though I'd give my left foot to be doing the 1st year exams instead of the final year ones, which went to hell in a handcart with my degree.
I waved it goodbye as I had a panic attack. >.<
But come Thursday at 3:10PM it's all over.
4 years of Lancaster done and dusted. Bish, bash, and bosh.

It doesn't feel very real. In fact the unreality is somewhat overwhelming. I can honestly say that I'm both so very ready for it, and busily legging it towards the nearest TARDIS at the same time.
If I never have to write an essay again it'll be too soon, the particular peculiar stress of total irregularity and structureless time can happily fall off a cliff into the abyss. But at the same time I'll miss the freedom, the social life and lying in 'til midday being a socially acceptable thing. (Oh my love of lie-ins and Naps - possibly more legendary than Romeo's lust for Juliet.) Having to get a job... a prospect that fills me with the same sort of excitement as 3 hour German language exams... (has anyone got a spare cliff I can jump off?)... looms large above me and apparently there's no such thing as a professional book reader.

When I started this blog 3 years ago I honestly had no idea I'd still be at it in 4th year. I expected I'd be bored of it by the end of the summer. And though I sometimes forget, I still enjoy it, and even though the quality is somewhat variable I hope you still enjoy my ramblings, disjointed as they often are. Very little planning goes into their execution, as is often evident. But I guess practise makes perfect and if I put a little more effort into actually blogging more often it'd improve.
Being honest is key I guess. Obviously there's a line between private and public and you've got to be careful with the whole over sharing thing, which is another reason for my lack of regular blogs. I get worried you'd get super bored with the mundanity of my very boring, very average life. Because despite doing the odd really cool thing, that's what it is.
Despite that fact,every life is unique. In between the being born, the paying taxes and dying bits, which are fairly universal. In the past 3 years I've been on this crazy roller-coaster of a learning curve which sometimes thought it was a hyperblaster type ride, ( i.e. "lets fling you up into amazing highs before plunging you into oblivion"), and along the way I've made friends from all corners of the world and learned so much. Very little of it academic.

The thing I'll miss most will be seeing the AMAZING people I've befriended here. This year has been very hard in that some of those people graduated last year and weren't here being awesome; looking at you Hannah and Amy! But despite that I've battled on through strengthening other friendships and forging new ones. I'm not gonna get too mushy now, because I'm tired and it would be embarrassing for all parties. So I shall save it.
For when typing makes me cry.

But yeah, the next 4 weeks are super full of awesome happenings so I shall be blogging about them lots. AAAAAND Beth and Brown shall return. I have read so many books recently but not had time to talk about them so I will aim for a blog a day on there. If you have no idea what I'm talking about click HERE and inform yourself.

So until I post from freedom!
Much Love!

Bethx

In Memoriam

Once upon what feels like far too long ago, there was a bunch of seriously awesome misfits who hung out together everyday, looked out for one another, and even when they didn't always get along, they, like siblings, stuck up ferociously for one another should some one dare to judge or insult one of their own.

It was called The Cube.

There strong bonds were forged. Those bonds remain.

Yesterday we lost a friend far too young.

A talented, creative individual, whose wicked sense of humour made everyone laugh. A girl full of life, kindness and loyalty.

The shock will wear off, the grief become bearable, but the memories will never fade.

At this time my thoughts go out to her family and my love to all those closest to her.

India,

You will be missed.

How to tell that you are a victim of final year.

1. You have not left the house other than to go to the corner shop in several days. 

2. When you do try to leave the house your keys have gone into hibernation. 

3. Your house has been procrasticleaned to within an inch of its life except essay corner. 

4. You have an essay corner

5. You've been sat at a computer so long that having to form actual sentences has become a chore. 

6. Your best friend can't stand your ear worm any longer 

7. Your best friend is running round randomly shouting the name they just made up for your idiolect. "Bethanese!!!"

8. You've run out of biscuits. The world has come to an end. 

9. You still have no idea what you're actually talking about in this essay; despite having more research than someone trying to cure cancer and about 1000 words on it. 

10. You still have 2 more essays to write. 

11. Going to town is a major event. 

12. Your bedroom looks like a bomb exploded in your wardrobe. 

13. There is too much blood in your coffee stream. 

14. Your readings are so confusing/boring you frequently fall asleep on them. 

15. You are procrastiblogging. 

16. Your social life mainly consists of having other people in the room whilst you stare blankly/beaver away at your essay.

17. You are married to the library. It is a tempestuous relationship. 

18. Even your leisure reading has been consumed by your degree.

19. You're so busy academically you've forgotten to apply for any jobs

20. You dream in your subject(s), because dreaming about teaching the IPA* in German to French toddlers whilst chasing a big bird round the library is perfectly normal. 

*International Phonetic Alphabet

An ode to an old musical friend:

You may know I love books, if you've read this blog from the beginning you may know I love music. My iPod is my constant companion, I have a beautiful pair of Sennheisers with incredible sound quality.

What you may not know is who my favourite band are. 

You may well be wondering what prompted what I can safely say is about to be a gushing song of love.

Paramore is that what. 

Regardless of the bands various dramas, or your opinions of its front woman, the music they put out never ceases to capture my imagination and cause some serious rocking out. It started just over 6 years ago and as you can see I have gathered their entire back catalogue (plus the digital stuff). But why blog about this now?

Well, after spending a 12 hour day in the hallowed stacks of learning that is the Lancaster University Library* listening to albums on YouTube and sporadically doing work, Hannah and I ended up in our local CD and DVD emporium this morning. 

I had a list of things I wanted. What I didn't expect to find was this:

(Apologies for terrible photo skills). This is Paramore. At their Finest. Live and touring their Riot! album. Which for reasons I still don't fully understand is my favourite album ever. EVER. 

I still don't know how I had managed not to get my mitts on their only live album and DVD, but it seemed ridiculous and so it kinda marched itself to the till and jumped into my bag more decidedly than a £2 full sized tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.

I don't know what I was expecting of it really, I've seen these guys live, THEY ARE EPIC. It seems to be a thing that short people, who just to spite their diminutive stature have a HUGE presence. Hayley Williams is one such short person, and that physical presence translates to audio. Somehow I had forgotten just HOW GOOD they are live. I clearly need to see them again.

Riot, even 2 albums and 1 EP later still remains their best work, it is full of attitude and stands apart lyrically - probably because its the one album the band has put out that doesn't feature Williams bitching about one or other of her band mates; former or current.

I was introduced to Paramore in early 2008, so I can say with no small amount of relief say, I knew them BEFORE Decode. 

Had I not already fallen head over heels for this band, their involvement with "those" films would probably put me off in the long term. 

Aaaaanyway,my 16 year old self picked up Riot!,(incidentally the last album I ever bought in a branch of Woolworths), took it home and loaded it in to her still relatively new 1st iPod and was blown away. This was exactly what I had been looking for musically, punk rock, sung not snarled, by a girl with an epic voice, that had attitude to spare. I subjected my entire family to it. In what counts for high praise, my father quite likes it and isn't bothered when we attack the car stereo with it. Mum on the other hand...

Today's acquisition, I haven't been to bed yet so it's still Tuesday by my reckoning, plays with what I believe the musical folks call the "arrangement" of some of the various songs. And somehow makes it better, something I previously believed impossible. (Urgh the cliché- look everyone gets slight tunnel vision about their favourite band) The intro to my favourite song Crushcrushcrush is slightly different and more low key before launching full pelt into the chorus. The song resonated on a very personal level back in'08 and has remained awesome and very personal; the song Hallelujah gets mashed up with a beautiful intro cover of Leonard Cohen's song of the same name, that worked so perfectly in juxtaposition I made silly noises of glee. 

It is perhaps obvious by their genre but, Paramore are not a band that produce Beyoncé levels of live gloss, you wouldn't want them to. The raw energy, passion and crazy fun is far more exciting and warming than any piece of high theatre that most pop acts pour so much attention into on their tours these days, live spectacle is one thing but you see some one live for the music, the music and the artists enthusiasm for it should be the spectacle, rather than 50 undoubtedly talented, but ultimately pointless back-up dancing monkeys dancers. Though actual dancing monkeys would be pretty cool.

I am not immune to the changes in the band, the recent upheaval made me worry about whether the band would continue to put out material I actually liked, and if I'm brutally honest I was deeply uncertain of 2013's self titled album when I first put it in my CD player (I have a thing about physical copies of things and CD players) I felt disappointed. 

Change is not really my thing, yet as I listened to it again the next couple of times it began to grow on me and now there are several tracks I really love, but unlike its predecessors it isn't one I will play from beginning to end without skipping. Sonically its much more upbeat. Lyrically its much the same. But the changes in the band were to the composition side so it is then somewhat unsurprising. Williams' constant presence means that the lyrics aren't going to change that much. Her signature style will remain stamped all over the band's output; and that's not a bad thing.

Riot! however remains awesome. I will never not love it. It will be the album my children get sick of in the car, and I shall not be sorry.

For now however I must return to the "Misery Business" of essay writing. (oh the puns!!!)

At least I have an awesome soundtrack.

Much Love,

Bethx

*If you can't smell the sarcasm here you've probably got a cold, the stacks of Lancaster's Library are well known to be home to actual birds, who have taken flaky old unread journals to make their nests in its various unused dusty forgotten aisles. There is something quite disconcerting about writing an essay to the strains of Bird song in the library.

Silbilance: Spring,Sugar and Sun

Today is a day for listening to Michael Bublé songs, sitting outside and eating ice cream.

My friends, spring has sprung. Roughly 3 weeks earlier than last ear when the world's was still blanket in icy, wet, snow.

Of the list I gave in the opening sentence only one of those activities is of great importance to me. And it is that activity I am prevented from doing. Because I my friends have cut out sugar.

I hate myself, life, the universe, and everything. Unfortunately my aversion to healthy food had to be cured and drastic measures were necessary. I am allowed one sweet treat a week. 1. Because the cake man (@cottage_cakes) is a wonderous miracle to which my time enjoying is now limited and 2. Chloe fears I would become both depressed and homicidal see were I to not have some form of sugar fix. For the duration of lent I am sugar free. This will be a very long 4 weeks, that will hopefully see an improvement in my health in general, perhaps I will begin to eat fruit because I like it, and not because every so often I feel I ought.

Now as the queue for wallings' ice creams lengthens and the students seat themselves upon the steps I shall eat my piffling salad and cry dejectedly as the boy opposite continues to consume his iced bun.
The sun is shining at least.

Beth xxx

Good Grief! A Blog!

Ouch. My head hurts. I have a migraine which will not go away. Its beginning to get tiresome.
Particularly when ones day is as mad as today: Exam and FINALLY placement. Which couldn't be further away if it tried. I understand that there must be schools in all corners of a town but mine is practically in Yorkshire. Or it feels like it as I walk there. Uphill, all the way. Turns out I didn't need that gym membership...
Other than this however I haven't really done much of note other than fit for my right to a treadmill in the gym. HALF AN HOUR ONLY WHEN ITS BUSY MR I SHALL RUN FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF! *noises of rage* spent more time waiting than I did actually working out. grrrrr I mean I pay enough you'd think the gym was twice the size it is. Grrrrrr hopefully tomorrow myself and The Brown will be heading to Pilates together. As apparently i need to do stuff like that, as it will calm my mind and give me balance and... lots of other stuff... I refuse to do Yoga for precisely that reason. They spout endless gubbins that would make me either, irritated, angry or bored. Or all three.

Shall we talk about the weather? Let us discuss the wind. That prevented me from acquiring chocolate, when there were 3 hormonal, grumpy added women in my living room.  I'm sat here now in county listening to the wind moaning around the building listening to Kit telling us facts like sloths only poop once a week and I'm really rather content to be just hanging out with cool people. In away I haven't felt since 2nd year so I'm happy. :)

Just don't ask about my plans for the future. Then I will turn in a puddle of argh..
Shall I teach, should I publish, should I hide under the stairs?
Help!
Bethx

Creativity and such like

I love writing. The furious, fluid process of scratching ink on to paper, racing to keep up with your thought stream, organic physical connection between thought and thinker, write and reader, a purpose an irregular beauty of raw unfiltered opinion and emotion. Writing is my catharsis and therapy. When safely anonymised you can pour out your soul to the page, a page that will not judge, comment, or tease, it will just, like a mirror, reflect your demons, give them corporeal form and the means to obliterate them. Slash them, tear them up, burn it in a cleansing fire, drown it in consuming waters or simply just lock it in a prison of your choice between the covers of a journal.
Empty your head on to the page, purge the clogged thought ways and just like a defragged computer, or freshly emptied vacuum the brain functions at full capacity once more. Yes it's temporary but tell me, is your method any longer lasting?
It's not not about eloquence, style, or even good grammar, its the freedom of your own expression and creativity.
And that's why I always carry a notebook and a fountain pen.
Just in case.  You never know when inspiration might strike and your magnum opus begin to take form. In the meantime I shall continue honing my skill. Even if I should be analysing vowel formants...

And that's why I like books. Books are the embodiment of those rudimental scratchings that our brain decodes into sense. I am in awe of those who can weave a world out of pure imagination, who are brave enough to share the world inside their head with others, who open the doors and say "come meet my friends" who aren't afraid to talk back to the voices in their heads, who can plan a story from beginning to end, that isn't tired cliché, outright terrible or just plain indulgent and that have the patience and dedication to write to the end instead of having thousands of beginnings and no ends. just such as I do.

And until I have my own end. I don't think I'll write one.

Beth xx

New Blog!

Hi Blog fans!
As I realise this is a form of therapy I should indulge in more often I hereby declare I'll try and keep you more up to date with the ins and outs of being a student. But the big news it this: Hannah Brown and I have started another blog! It's called Beth & Brown's Beautiful bookshelf and we're going to be doing all our favourite book stuff on there :) We may branch out into films too, though books are mainly what's on the shelf for now :) I'll post more about it when it's up and running :)

In other news I've found my beloved watch which the resident house gremlins stole, had a career rethink a nice nasty shock and discovered that occasionally my iPod will play angry music when I need it to xD

TTFN
 Beth xx

Adieu 2013.

Wow. December 31st 2013. The past year (and 3months) has been a little mental!
I taught in Germany and survived despite Mark's best efforts!
I learned to drive - now if could just afford my tests! Returned to beloved Lancaster remembered how much I hated DELC and hid under my duvet.
I met some amazing people!
Went to awesome places with them!
Berlin with Lydia!
Rome with Dan
Switzerland with the usual suspect.
Prague, Austria, Venice, Verona, and France by my slightly terrified adventurous self - Not sure I'd do it again!
It all seems so strange and long ago now, but for now the craziest year of my life so far comes to a close and opens a year of change.
If I'm being honest I've had quite enough of Change already, unfortunately life gets boring without it and despite its more uncomfortable aspects I suppose we have to keep moving forward. So the next year is an adventure, probably a whole lot more mundane than this, but hopefully just as exciting, probably not less stressful, and hopefully full of good things.
Whatever happens God has it under control and loves us no matter what.
I hope you have wonderful new year, I shall try and blog more.... don't hold your breath though.
Happy New Year!
Bonnie Année et meilleurs voeux!
Guten Rutsch in dem neuen Jahr!
All my love,
Beth xxx

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Things I needed to say.

I haven't posted in a long while and I'm not sorry. I haven't wanted to and if I force it, it doesn't work out the way it should.

I'm ill. It happens occasionally. I want to set the record straight. Bust some myths that I've had thrown at me over the years. Stuff that has destroyed relationships and caused unbelievable amounts of hurt. And explain my long abscences.

I have struggled with depression for as about as long as I can remember now. Even in primary school.
My inablity to cope with what I've been feeling or the internal confusion has caused my to lash out. Particularly when I was younger.

Many people are surprised when I tell them about the things I struggle with because I'm a loud vibrant person most of the time. Most people with depression don't exactly advertise how they're feeling. Because people don't understand.

And they say stupid things.

One of the most hurtful, unfounded things that is said regularly is, "Its attention seeking and its childish" One person even went so far to say at my lowest point aged 16 that I was" too young to be depressed."
(That person destroyed not only many of my relationships, but also a 25 year standing friendship of their own.)
Nonsense. Depression can strike at any age. The younger the individual the less likely they are to be able to handle it in a "socially acceptable" manner, for the most part they don't even understand what on earth is going on, why they feel so bad. Many people have written about this but considering that most who read this blog are in some way acquainted with me I wanted to give a personal account.
So many young adults and teenagers struggle with mental illnesses. But so many of their friends don't know how to react. Its not only the stigma we need to address but how friends and family support and care for people suffering. As I've grown older the support from my friends has been amazing and some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me - they know who they are and I love you. Thank you.. But there have been those who in their lack of understanding did all the wrong things.
I've forgiven them. And I explained and tried to mend any hurts I'd unwittingly inflicted.
Some of them apologised. Some of them, well I'm still waiting.
Depression can be triggered by so many things. Different people, react differently.
I'm no expert in these things, I have only my own experience of the dark shadow. My black cotton wool.
But there is a time to hug and a time to comfort and tip toe around and there's a time to get tough. Getting tough may not be your job, it may be someone else's. Your job is to support that person in whatever way is best. Pulling away and just dropping them is NOT that way. If you need the space to protect yourself, fine, reducing contact is different. Giving yourself space is in someways very natural, but someone who is suffering with depression will in all likelihood not be viewing social interaction in the same way as you, and most likely not in the way they would when they're 100%.

Depression makes you feel Isolated, alone, misunderstood and knocks out a chunk of self esteem and self worth so large that quite frankly, you don't even feel like a person anymore. A feeling, that if sustained for long enough, may, and can have disastrous consequences.

As I've said, I'm no psychologist, I don't know how it manifests in every different person. I can only tell you how I work. And I'm affected by things like ADHD and my Faith, not everyone has these aspects in their lives.

So that's that.

I'm Ill. It happens. And I have some incredible people who support me. Like my mum. We don't always get on. She does a lot of nagging and I infuriate her. But I love her lots. She's always there when I fall apart.
Thank you mum.

Beth xxx

One month

Wow. So here it is. The end. And weirdly it's just as I'm getting settled. Grrrr, typical. It takes me to fully relax anywhere. So here I am sat on a train to hang out with Jo and Sam and possibly Mark if he gets his hungover backside out of bed this side of the end of the world.
Do not get me wrong I am very excited to be Lancaster bound again and to see all the awesome people, annoy my mother,( wait I can do that here), learn to drive! Go on camp, go shopping because weddings galore, and earn some money so one can afford to do all this stuff!!
Reflecting on this year I've seen so much , done so much, learnt a ton, made mistakes and grown up and matured.
And as for Tübingen I think I'll miss it. I'll definitely miss weekly coffee and cake with Mark - boy can this country do cake. In that respect this year has been like rewinding the clock four years and behaving like 17 yr. old oiks again.
All the same I'm going to miss this beautiful corner of Germany and the friends I've made here.
Bis Später
Bethxxx

Sorting out the mess

So, I've been all out of sorts lately. And its kinda my fault - I haven't been looking after myself the way I should have been.

So I've decided somethings. I have 6 weeks left here and for those next six weeks I'm going to start as I mean to go on.

I'm gonna eat eat a piece of fruit a day - those that know me will know just how difficult that is going to be. Fruit is evil.

I shall not avoid vegetables.

I shall eat 3 square meals a day rather than maybe having one.

I shall run twice a week. Whether I want to or not.

I shall learn the importance of sleeping sensibly. If that means going to bed at old biddy o'clock then so be it. Sleeping through my alarm clock is not good.

I shall hydrate myself properly.

If I can do these small things then maybe we can do the big things like essays, and getting up on time.

Beth Does Some Travelling. Part 1.

OK, so what follows is sort of like my travel diary that I wrote on the road. I have tried to make it make as much sense as possible but I rarely make sense anyway! I would apologise for my tardiness but my unabashed faulheit refuses to let me do so. This is Part 1. Part 2 will follow later.

Entry 1: 23/3/13

Praha to give it it's proper title is an incredible city. The Bohemian Architecture is breath taking, shame then, that like most things these days some brats, dragged up rather than raised, have "tagged",(read pathetically daubed in spray paint) everywhere they can.  My own pet hates aside, the castle complex was stunning a blend of eras and over 2 Km long it pretty much killed my feet! In one of the older parts of the Castle I slyly attached myself to a German Tour Group, in which I learned about the 3 Prague Defenestrations. Defenestration, as my mother learnt yesterday is my favourite word and frequently leads to giggling with glee. The German word for defenestration is very boring and German. Also what kind of a country thinks "hmm we're fed up let's chuck these people out of a window!"?  After that I decided it was time to find some food, but not until I had napped and an arguement with a computer. I eventually went to this little restauranty place around the corner from my hostel which was recommended as the girl on the desk as being the place she went for dinner with friends. It was great genuine Czech cooking and I was surrounded by Czechs all of whom were surprised when I couldn't understand a word they were saying because apparently only Czechs go there! Awesome! I doubted this somewhat however by the fact they had a pile of English language menus... hmmmm

Moi in St. Wenceslas Sq.

The most exciting thing about Prague for myself however was the presence of those most British of Supermarkets Tesco and Marks and Sparks. Ginger Nuts I have missed your biscuity goodness, I blame your lack of presence for my lack of essays!
 I am of course kidding but I did get far too over excited.

Prasky Hrad, Prague Castle. Its ginormous.

Mark must have been using all the common sense lately because I fouled up and missed my train this morning by mixing up my departure and arrival times. Ahh well you need a relaxing morning occasionally!

Urgh Austrains! Stop slurring! Incomprehensible few days ahead! right well I'm off because my tablet is dying and being a great big behind and putting 'A's every where.

Ciao for now!

Bethx

Entry 2: 25/3/13

Vienna and Salzburg.

Cold, snowy and very snowy. The adventures of Beth continue to be excessively cold, I have never been more fed up of snow, if I see any more of it I will start to cry. Man it stinks on the this train. Vienna was gorgeous and I must get round to sending my postcards. I decided to spend as much of the day inside as I could in order not to freeze to death. A likely prospect in the minus 8 temperatures. So I visited the Hapsburg Imperial palaces. 

Schonbrünn Schloss

My somewhat wonky panorama shot of the Vienna Hofburg !

Unfortunately the only place one was allowed to take pictures was in the bit I would have walked straight through had it not been so cold out. Sorry but plates don't interest me. I eat off them, the fact that one family has 11 dinner services seems utterly preposterous. I know mum has a couple but that's more mish mash, bish bash smash, than she enjoys collecting plates.

I did spend some time meandering around the city centre but mainly in the hunt for my next restorative caffeine shot. It was during this vaguely pointed meandering that I suddenly realised the similarities between the Vienna Rathaus and that of Munich... Munich's however is much more ornate.

 Suspiciously Similar - Vienna Rathaus. 

Today I had a short stop in Salzburg, it was meant to be a longer stop however my nighttrain turned out not to be direct and so I only got 3 hours in the city for most of which I was gravely lost, I did eventually find the tourist info office and a map but I didn't get chance to do much more than wander around because of time restraints and desperately trying to find a place to stay that night whilst battling McDonald's rubbish Wi-Fi! The city itself is something of a city of contrasts, the beautiful old town city centre with the Salzburger Schloß towering over it, whilst the new town is not so nice. It brought to mind Soviet oppression meaning it was likely all done in the sixties.

 Salzburger Schloss

I have noticed that this diary has a somewhat architectural theme so far, probably because I haven't been eating extravagantly. Other than my encounter with Czech food in Prague.  the Vienna hostel was ok, like Prague it had free breakfast- YAY! - but the shower was more useless than mine at home and about 2 ft too short for any sensibly sized adult. I had two really nice room-mates  one of whom is actually living there because finding an apartment is nigh on impossible.

Bleh, my train is going to be late >.< oh yay.  I love sitting on floors in train waiting rooms all the time worrying if I'll make the last connection to Venice.  My kindle is also driving me mad - I must find better software!

Till later,

Bethx

So I should probably stop typing now. But y'know I'm fed up of not blogging because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I'm fed up. Full stop.

I went home and it was beyond awesome, I saw so many of the people I love and care about, I got to be myself, I got to relax and hey I could understand everything, and despite reverse culture shock seriously biting me in the behind, I loved every second of it and it gave me a perspective on life out here.

Its rubbish. It's lonely and I'm too shy/ scared to do anything about it.

Today its my best friends birthday, Her 21st.  You only get one of those, and I'm missing it. I missed my own brothers 18th birthday and I'm missing out on being with friends.

"Ooo but you're on this amazing adventure." If one more person says that I will not be responsible for punching them in the face, because this adventure is punctuated by long periods of unadulterated loneliness and tedium in which you can't find a good pasty to save your life, your made to feel guilty about not enjoying yourself or speaking the sodding language all the time because frankly your head hurts they speak better English than you do German, (mother I don't care about my language right now) and you have no idea where to start looking for them because hanging out with your students, (those closest in age to you) isn't a good idea and quite frankly there and mindset gap between you and them, and it is kinda like hanging out with your little brothers friends.

Why I am I writing this? to prove to myself next year when I hate essays and life, it could be so much worse, at least I have people to whine and comiserate with.

I have another 15 weeks of hell to go. It may as well be eternity.

I want to come home now.

Change, fear, and harsh reality.

So a while back some of my favourite vloggers did a series of videos as to why they were scared in response to a genuine fear posted about one of them by one of them. (Did you follow that?). This will be something like that, only written and on something that is related to me.

I hate change. In any form. Which is why I was so entirely baffled as to how I was coping so well with this year. Then it hit it me. I was prepared for this . They tell you what to expect and its mad out here, amazing but mad. Being so entirely foreign there is no change only new. Therein lying the reason it wasn't a change it was just NEW. There is a subtle difference but I can't explain it. I hate changes, but I adapt merely because there is no choice and I learned long ago that kicking out and lashing out at something that has already happened is pointless, though like most I am still given to the occasional tantrum.

What scares me is the change that awaits me in September, returning to a place and a dynamic that was once so familiar that I could easily forget the more terrifying  aspects of what lay ahead, but was simultaneously reminded of what even a year ago I knew was going to be the worst part of this experience: coming back.

The places won't have changed that much. But it's not the physical things that make a place amazing; it's the faces. And many of those will be missing . It's not just the missing that cause a difference. A year is both simultaneously not long enough and far too long. From having spent even my trifling 21 years on this planet I can tell you people change more in a year than you ever stop to think about. Stop think about it for a moment, the people you've met in the last year, the things you've done the relationships forged, the broken links and the steady continuation of those things you take for granted. Now factor in that each and everyone of these incidences has an effect on you, some profound, some seemingly inconsequential; each adding to or changing some facet of your personality, a dynamic in your relationships.

Now think about someone who has been gone from a situation for a not insubstantial period of time, coming back into something that to you is still normal, to faces you consider close friends that they've never met, to places that haven't changed superficially but under the surface couldn't be more different.

That's what I face. I've come to realise that all those things I miss most aren't even there to go back to. My closest friends will be gone, and there will be strangers who have moved into take their place, and those who remain have moved on out of necessity and those who return with you have the same problem you do, and just like the others you've changed too. And that's why I'm scared. A place I once considered home is now alien, I have once again to carve myself a niche,sounds easy, but weirdly it's harder in a place you think you know, trust me I did it once already. And maybe it seems worse than it actually is but having spoken to 4th yr returnees I don't feel like it is, as one of them said they prepare you for everything going out but neglect to mention the coming back which is bizarrely even more confusing.

And that, dear reader friend, is the worst part of the YA for me.
I'm scared because I miss something that no longer exists, and its a painful reality, a mini grieving if you will, and that I believe is the nub of the so called reverse culture shock.

So I'm going to go and make ridiculous numbers of cheese and Marmite toasties, drink tea because no sane person drinks coffee at this time and sleeps and hug my teddy because that's the best a girl can get alone in a weird country that isn't her own weird country.


 Beth xxx

p.s. I moved, it's awesome and I'll tell you all about  when I'm less introspective.